原作者：Mark Rabkin
编译：T客汇 李哲，徐婧欣
核心提示：在工作中，你可能有过很多一对一会面的经历，不管是和经理、团队成员，还是其他团队的同事。可惜的是，大多数人都浪费了他们1:1的机会。问题在于，他们在1:1的谈话中不够“尴尬”。本文教你如何在一对一的交谈中感觉到“尴尬”。
1:1是神圣的空间，它代表着一种亲密。这个空间只属于你和另外一个人。它可以传递极其复杂和不确定性的内容，特别是关于情感、希望和畏惧。
通常，人们把1:1蕴含的潜力都给浪费了。或许，你在会谈中做了一些日程安排，更新了一些状况，得到了一点反馈，分享了一些抱怨。这些都很好，很有价值，也很有帮助。但是，你需要问自己的是，这场谈话对你来说有困难吗？你是否有些紧张，或者不确定该如何表达自己的感受？也就是说，你是不是感觉有点尴尬？
如果答案是否定的，那么证明你们不是在谈论真正有价值的东西。
你不是在谈你的困扰——比如你感觉自己有些精疲力竭，开始幻想着要另寻出路；或者你正在担心你的公司增长乏力，不管是因为你自知增长无望，还是因为你不知所措；或者你不敢承认，每次1:1你都要提前准备一小时，生怕说出什么不该说的事情；亦或是你对某个工作项目感到很失望，但是真心希望把它做好。
所有这些事情都难以启齿，所以你不愿意去说。
当然，并不是说每一分钟的1:1时间都是如此。我的意思是，你应该利用好每一次1:1的机会，说出那些令你难以启齿的内容。这是解决问题的正确方式，它可以避免陈词滥调和谈话僵局的出现，让你卸下心防，做回真正的自己。它可以建立互相的信任和良好的关系，使谈话双方都获得成长。
嬗变和成长都需要经历尴尬，拥抱它吧！
拥抱尴尬
几年之前，作为一名工程师，我很恐惧尴尬的交谈，也尽量避免这样的谈话，因为它让我非常不舒服。之后，慢慢地，我意识到自己一直在浪费一种非常宝贵的资源：和他人一对一的相处。而现在，让我感到恐惧的，反倒是那些平庸、乏味、单调、重复的1:1。我害怕我们聊了半天，却没有半点真正有价值的内容。
我做出改变的第一步，就是接受尴尬。下面是我的两个原则：
- 任何可以在咖啡店或团队会议等公开场合谈论的话题，都不要出现在1:1中。如果你们的谈话被其他人听到也无所谓，那么请不要在1:1中谈它。你可以通过电子邮件、Slack、会议等等其他任何方式讨论这些话题。
- 争取在每次1:1中说出一件令你非常尴尬的事，同时对方也要做到这一点。双方事先约定好，征得对方的同意会使尴尬的程度降低。
当然，此“尴尬”非彼尴尬。没人想听你的喋喋不休和粗俗的玩笑，这也是一种尴尬，但不在本文讨论范围之内。
我们曾经把我们公司所有的团队分成两人一组，按照以上原则进行试验。结果证明，这两个原则非常有效。
这种“尴尬”的交流一开始难以接受，但是慢慢就变得容易了。同任何事情一样，秘诀在于做一些稍有不适的练习。一旦熬过了尴尬的初始阶段，你就会感觉到巨大的满足和安慰。有一个能够倾听和更深入了解你的人，这对你的影响是非常正面的。
所以，为了帮助你更好的练习，下面列举了一些绝对“尴尬”但又积极的话题以供参考。
谈感情（偶尔的话题）
- 谈论感受。说出一种你的感受，或者对对方的感觉。你马上就能感受到尴尬，接下来会是一场精彩讨论。
- 谈论他们的忧虑。他们担心的是什么（他们事业，项目，还是即将到来的艰难会谈）？为什么？然后分享你自己的担忧。
- 信赖度检测。你们彼此互诉衷肠的难度有多大？为什么？如何才能降低一些难度？
诚实的反馈（永恒的话题）
- 他们在你眼中是不是最好的经理/老板/同事/合作伙伴？你在他们眼中呢？为什么？
- 你和其他人讨论过关于对方的哪些事情？或者听别人说过关于对方的哪些事情？和对方分享。
- 周围的人忘记了告诉对方哪些事情？作为一个好朋友、好同事，请告诉他们。
谦虚的寻求建议（永恒的话题）
- 告诉他们你目前致力于发展的增长点。告诉他们为什么你选择这个增长点，然后寻求建议。
- 说一件你最近正在抱怨的事。然后寻求他们的建议：“我怎样才能做得更好？”忽略那些敷衍了事的回答，反复追问，直到对方给出实质性回答。
- 承认自己的错误或失误，寻求帮助和建议。问问对方是否注意到了你的错误或失误。
英文原文：
The Art of the Awkward 1:1
The 1:1 is a sacred space. It’s intimate. It’s dedicated to just you and the other person. It’s super high bandwidth for complex and uncertain content, especially emotions, hopes, and fears. It’s also the most inefficient way you can devise to disseminate non-controversial info.
Very often, people waste most of the 1:1s potential. You might make a little agenda, and then give some updates, some light feedback, and share some complaints. It’s helpful and valuable and nice. But, ask yourself: is the conversation hard? Are you a little nervous or unsure how to get out what you’re trying to say? Is it awkward?
Because if it’s not a bit awkward, you’re not talking about the real stuff.
You’re not talking about your challenges — how you’re a little burned out and started daydreaming about other jobs and why. Or that you’re scared about not making progress on a growth area, whether because it seems a bit B.S. or just because you don’t know how. You’re not confessing that you have to plan for an hour for each of these 1:1s and be super careful not to say something wrong. You’re not saying you know you’re both frustrated about the project, but you really want to work it out.
You don’t tell them the good stuff , because it feels silly. Like how they made your whole week with a simple “Great job!” after the talk you gave. Or how you went home and bragged to your partner about it. Or, how you’re so grateful how their care and empathy got you through a really rough patch. Or how they inspire you with how good they are at a skill. You’re not asking: “Why do I totally flop when I try to copy what you do? What am I missing?”
All of those things would be really awkward. So you don’t say them.
Obviously, not every minute of every 1:1 can be like this. But make no mistake — you should have enough awkward in you to use up a chunk of each meeting. This is what solves problems that otherwise go unsolved. It breaks the cycle of repeated issues or an impasse. It lets you be you and let down your guard. It builds trust and relationships. It creates growth for both of you.
Change and growth are always awkward — embrace that.
Embrace the Awkward
A few years ago, as an engineer, I used to dread and avoid awkward conversations like the plague because they were very uncomfortable. Then, very slowly, I realized I was wasting a rare precious resource: one-on-one time with another person. Now I instead dread bland, vapid, cookie cutter 1:1s. I fear that we’ll talk for a while but never get to anything real.
I made the change by committing to be awkward. Here are the two rules I use for every 1:1, many times a week:
- Don’t talk about any topic that you could discuss in the open, among your team desks or in the cafe. If it’s safe enough to be overheard — it’s not the right content for a 1:1. Email it, send it in Slack, discuss among the desks, say it at a meeting, anything but a 1:1.
- Commit to saying one rather awkward thing every 1:1, and get the other person to commit too. Agreeing in advance and getting permission makes it feel way more safe. Committing creates peer pressure to be real. It works.
Of course, I hate to have to say this, but I will: don’t be awkward in the wrong way. Nobody wants to hear your TMI story or off-color joke. It’s awkward, but it doesn’t count.
These two rules are transformative. Following them is oddly liberating and effective. We’ve had great success teaching this to whole teams, breaking them up into pairs, and sending them off to come up with one awkward thing each to say to each other.
The Awkward Awakens
If you want to join me and get going on this, here’s some tips to help you unleash the vast sea of awkwardness that resides within each one of us (maybe especially so in tech), just waiting to be released.
Get started and commit. A common complaint is that setting up the agreement to be awkward in a 1:1 series itself feels really awkward. Great! That satisfies your quota for the next meeting. Commit to awkwardness to someone (your peer, manager, a friend) and follow through.
Fix your other communication. If it’s hard to get to the real stuff in 1:1s, your other communication channels might suck. Get all your updates, easy questions, simple feedback done some other way: email, team meeting, Slack msg, text, whatever your company does. Whatever you do, don’t waste the 1:1.
Plan to be awkward. Spend a few minutes at the beginning of the week thinking what would be great to get off your chest and what you’d love to hear about from your coworkers. Plan how to be awkward rather than how to avoid it.
If you’re not sure you want to take the risk to get started — ask yourself: “How often am I too awkward vs. not awkward enough?” and check outMake The Other Mistake.
The Awkward List
Awkwardness is hard at first, but it really does get easier. As with anything, the key is slightly uncomfortable practice. But, there’s something that makes that practice easier: whenever you succeed getting something awkward out and survive, it creates a huge feeling of satisfaction and relief. It’s deeply positive to have another person hear you and understand you better.
So, to aid your practice, here’s a long list of guaranteed awkward and positive things to help you get started. I hope that majority of these will work with most of the people you have 1:1s with!
Meta & Feelings (Occasional)
- Talk about emotions. Label one you’re feeling, or what you sense from other person. Boom, instant awkward and great discussion.
- Any meta-conversation about your conversations. We never talk about Topic A, we just always talk Topic B. Why is that? When I tell you about Topic A, you always react like this, and that’s why I don’t tell you that stuff. When I bring up Topic B, how do you feel? Why is that?
- Ask for their fears. What are they afraid of (for their career, the project, an upcoming tough meeting)? Why? Share your own.
- Trust check. How easy is it for both of you to share intimate things with each other? Why? What would make it easier? Discuss.
Extra Honest Feedback (All the time)
- Are they acting like the best manager / report / partner you could wish for? Are you? Why or why not? Discuss.
- What have you already told someone else about this person (or heard others say)? Share with them. Discuss.
- What is everyone around neglecting to tell this person? What’s the work equivalent of this person having mustard on their face after lunch? Be a good friend / coworker and tell them.
Humble Advice Seeking (All the time)
- Tell them a growth area you’re working on currently. Tell them why you picked it (even if it was one of those “not-really-optional” ones!). Ask for advice.
- Check for your own role in a weird situation.Pick a thing you’ve recently complained about. Ask them — “What could I’ve done differently in that situation?”
- Ask for feedback on how to be better. Then, skip the fluffy answer and ask again until you get something real.
- Admit a fault or a mistake. Ask for support and advice. Ask them if they noticed you making it or not.
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